"Good grief, the comedian's a bear!" "No he's not, he's a wearing a neck a tie!"
(Update: July 17, 2009: This blog's been getting an abnormally high number of hits lately from people Googling the old Muppet Show joke in this post's title. Not sure what's sparked all the sudden Googling of the phrase - would someone mind letting me know in the comments section? Anyway, sorry to disappoint, but this page isn't what you're looking for. This post is a bunch of church jokes that have nothing to do with the Muppets - I had just used the Fozzie joke as the subject line because it was funny and I wanted something funny.)
I'm really tired today... not sure why... I was originally planning to write about the presidential Veepstakes, but instead, I'll pass along these great church and God jokes I've gotten over the last week from my joke a day service, the Good Clean Funnies List. (Although the first joke on the list isn't GCFL; it's an all time favorite of mine so I found it on the google.
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So, they walked around until they found the nearest church. It was a Saturday, so only the janitor was there. One of the boys said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play." When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis because they dunk all of you in it. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."
The littlest one said, "I know what we are. Didn't you smell that water?"
"Yeah! What do you think that means?"
"It means we're 'Pisscopalians!"
This year's severe drought has affected churches in northern Alabama, Tennessee, and northwest Georgia. Most counties in the area are enforcing strict conservation rules for water use, which is affecting baptisms at the churches.
Baptist churches are having to sprinkle for baptisms, the Methodists are using wet wipes for their baptisms, and the Catholics are praying that God will turn the wine back into water.
A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.
"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."
About half the class rose and came forward.
"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher. "These students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."
One Sunday we sat in the front pew of our church. Our three-year-old son was playing with a stuffed animal and accidentally dropped it on the floor. Just as he was about
to pick it up, the priest walked over and stood in front of us. Our son looked up with a look of awe on his face and whispered, "God?"
It was all the priest could do to continue with his sermon, especially with us laughing so hard.
When my youngest son was three years old, one of his finches died. It was winter so we couldn't bury the bird, so I flushed it down the toilet. I didn't realize that he had seen me do this until I heard him crying behind me. Trying to make him feel better, I told him that his bird was with God now.
He stopped crying, looked at me a bit bewildered, and asked, "God is in the toilet?